Wednesday, April 17, 2013

A Call for Everybody's HR Stories!

Greetings all!

I need everybody to send me their HR stories!

I'll explain why later, but it is for my next writing project.  They can be as long as you want.  GOOD STORIES.  STORIES WITH DETAIL.

Just post them below and forward this to anyone you know with a good HR story!



Stretch said...

I interviewed for "Foreign Service Security Officer" at Dept. of State back in '86.
Five person panel. Four drones and female chair.
"Why don't you tell us a joke. It lightens the mood and gives us a feel for you speaking voice."
OK, thinks I. "What do you get when you cross a Dallas Cowboy with a pig."
Every drone looked at the chair.
"Dallas fan?"
And that was the HIGH point of the interview. If you want details of the rest just ask.

Anonymous said...

At my first annual review as a paralegal, I got glowing reviews. At my second, I had to deal with a peculiar pair of critiques.

First, I bothered attorneys too much about upcoming deadlines and projects. Second, I wasn't proactive enough in reminding them of deadlines and projects.

I asked which attorneys gave each review, so I would know who wanted fewer reminders and who wanted more. No dice, since the attorneys might not give feedback if they knew that we knew who said what. So then I pulled my tie upward a la Dilbert and asked the HR pair which of them was the pointy haired boss and which was Catbert.

James Wolfe said...

I had been working at a company for about 9 months. When I was hired I was introduced to the team as the guy who was going to save the project (no pressure on me of course). By that time I had accrued a full week of vacation. But a week before I had gotten sick and had to use a sick day, and when it was time to go on vacation I was informed by HR that I couldn't take the full week off, and since I was a new employee they didn't like to forward days, you know, in case I decided to quit. This completely screwed up my vacation. It cost me not one day but three (since I had to come back before the weekend).

But a day before I and my family where ready to leave I got a call from a company where several friends from a previous job had gone to work. They wanted to fly me up to their headquarters in Indianapolis to meet with them for a job interview. I said sure, so the day I got back in town before going back to work I flew up there, they loved me, and made me an offer that was at least 30% more than my current salary. How could I refuse?

So thanks to the jerks in HR and their lack of flexibility to "The Rules" I turned in my resignation on the following Monday. They were p!ssed! So they escorted me to the door and refused to give me my last two weeks of "notice" thinking they were screwing me out of two weeks of pay. It didn't matter to me, I was already packed up and ready to go when they arrived. So I called up my new employer and they asked me if I wanted to start the next day or wait. I took the rest of that week off to "finish" my vacation and started the next Monday.

Those greedy inflexible HR women drove away most of their good employees. Only the losers who couldn't find better jobs stayed and took their crap. I know because the rest came to work with us.

Stretch said...

HR staffer at a former employer gave Fairfax Co. Family Court the direct deposit information of a "deadbeat dad." Ffx county seized the bank account.
Unfortunately it was the wrong Smith.
Many months later, when the financial situation was resolved, the HR person was fired. She had gone through a messy divorce and was more than happy to "get the bastard" without bothering to confirm the ID, SSN or waiting for a court order per company policy.
And, yes. She sued for "wrongful termination."
BTW, Ffx. Family Court wouldn't release the guy's account until he actually filed a theft report with Fairfax P.D.

Unknown said...

Interviewed for a sales job, fat HR lady asks: so if you were a chess piece which one would you be and why?

Gave a wtf look and said king just to break the awkardness. Should have walked out.

Didn´t get the job

Laughingdog said...

I accepted a job as a nuclear engineer for the Navy back in '98. We were the first batch hired after a 5 year hiring freeze after the 93 RIFs (Reduction in Force). HR sent me a letter telling me to show up May 25th (a Monday).

My friend and I both show up that day, after already getting an apartment, and the HR people asked us why we were there. We showed them the letter, and her response was simply "Yeah, that's wrong. Come back in 3 weeks."

Anonymous said...

Oooohh. Captain.

Remind me in a about a month, I've just joined a major "American" corporation.

I expect I will have a whole raft of amusing stories.

Alex said...

Worked for a big multinational German company. Got fed up being paid 20% less than others for the same work for the sole reason I do not have a Master's degree.
Asked for a pay raise. Denied.
Asked for an opportunity to work part time so I can go to uni and get that worthless degree. Denied.

My successor is a woman. Shortly after the end of the probationary period she got pregnant. (What a coincidence...)
Now it is practically impossible to fire her due to company policy and legal rights.

She has decided to reduce her working hours to part time until childbirth, after which she will be taking maternity leave.

Alex said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Justyx said...

Was working as a contractor at a very large company where one of the HR staff (female obviously) came along asking for donations towards one of her HR colleagues' pregnancy leave present.

I invested a couple of squid, invested in the PR for my firm.

At which point she winked at me and said, "Of course, we all know that she's not coming back"

So she was taking full pay for every pregnancy leave day that she could, but would resign at the very last moment rather than come back. The company would be paying her under false pretences, paying contractor wages for a temp staff replacement and then, at the very last moment, have to start recruiting a replacement.

But hey, no ethical issues there - it was just free money for her. Any company preferring to hire males is breaking the law and is sexist to boot.

Anonymous said...

At my old job i would eat 6 hard boiled eggs and 1 avocado in the morning as my breakfast. Almost on a weekly basis i was listening to the know-it-all fat cubicle heard tell me i'm going to have a heart attack or stroke from all the eggs i'm eating. Keep in mind they are pushing 200 pounds easy and live off Starbucks and cupcakes.

One day i retorted with my doctor says my heart is extremely healthy and eggs help give you the right balance of LDL and HDL cholesterol.

It's like i could see into the future, i knew i'd better getting a call or memo from HR about that comment. Sure enough it only took 2 hours before i was sitting in front of the "peer review" group in HR, which consisted of 1 flaming gay dude, 2 friends of the girl i made the comment to and the head of the HR dept.

During the meeting i was attacked about my eating habits and how it hurts the feeling of everyone (meaning the fat cows). I explained to them since they aren't doctors they have no business making unsolicited comments about my diet. Furthermore i refuse to take dietary advice from someone who eats worse than i do.

I left the job a few months later for a better offer. With a majority men in the office. Never had the issue again. My current job has an old school military veteran as the HR person. He deals with real problems not made up ones.

Anonymous said...

This might be worth checking out.

Doktor Bill said...

I was applying for the position of 911 Operator, a job I could do well, while I languishwd on the waiting list for the next opening for Firefighter. I was told it could take as much as a year, but try to be available on short notice- Heh. Gubmint job(turned out to be a longer wait). I figured working there would not only give me a paycheck while waiting, but also be a 'foot in the door'. I knew for a fact that I was there on the 1st day to apply,and City policy was to have the position open for 10 days to allow maximum possibility of hiring the best talent.
The .....Female at the desk picked up my Application, cover letter, and Resume as it handling a dead rat by the tail, and while looking me dead in the eye, she dropped them in the trashcan behind her desk as she said: "Those Pozishuns have been Feeled."(There was a Lot of anger in those slowly spoken syllables)
Shocked,and bewildered, but knowing better than to argue(My guess is she wanted a scene)I politely asked for my Resume back-this was when they were expensive, professionally printed on heavy rag paper- she offered to call Security(Deputies); I walked away, knowing that I had just learned a lesson infinitely more valuable than those scraps of worthless paper. Besides, I could do other things while waiting for the job I really wanted. Of course, a Hiring Freeze was soon enacted Ce la Vie.
This was over 20yrs ago, so this Tyranical HR woman thing has been going on a Long time! Enjoy the Decline! & hope that helps.

D. said...

I'm the HR manager for a country club. As a man, I don't put up with the BS that most people think of, but I get my fair share of BS from other sources.

The number of employees who complain about their benefit packages when we offer one of the best packages in our area (and I know, I've done my research). But if the price of dependent coverage on health insurance goes up, there's 5 employees ready to vocally complain in the open enrollment meeting.

Then there's the employees who need me to do EVERYTHING for them. Explain the benefits. Order them their benefits card. Stupid little things that take one phone call than I give them the number for.

Then there are the members of the club who think they're entitled to know every little detail about the employees. I had one member ask for home addresses for a number of employees to send thank you cards to. I declined, saying that I'm not giving out employee information and that the member could either deliver the cards to the employees at the club or I could address them for her. A day later the club manager wanted to know why I refused a request from a member.

Which is the last major piece of BS and something the Cap has talked about. Entrenched Boomers who think they know everything and can't comprehend a new idea. We have 8 managers who have been in their positions for over 10 years, and 4 of them for more than 20. The club manager is in his 60's and has the management style of a maitre d'. Translation, we must give everything to any member who asks, and you lowly employees don't get anything. This manager wanted to fire a bartender for playing fantasy baseball with a member.

It's enough to make you want to stick around long enough to enjoy the schadenfreude of watching the place collapse.

Jane the Grad Student said...

Not sure if these are all HR stories or just general corporate rottenness, but here you go:

My late mother was an experienced HR professional with a total of 20+ years in grade, including about 5 years in benefits management and fraud investigation. Hold on before you decide she's the bad guy here.

Story #1: she'd been un(der)employed for a while and was looking for a new job. An HR job opened up at the company I was working for, and I thought it would be a good fit for her, as we had great benefits and, from what I saw, relatively little screwitude going on. The only caveat was that they required a Bachelor's degree, which my mom didn't have. I approached the current HR lady and, without mentioning the relationship, told her I had a friend interested in the position. 20 yrs of experience, knew insurance and benefits, conflict resolution, etc. etc. bud didn't have a degree; should she bother applying? The lady's answer was that my "friend" was welcome to apply, but would be hired at a lower pay grade since she didn't have the degree. Worthless piece of paper, 1; actual on-job experience zero.

Story #2: Mom was working on a contract basis for a small company, and really hoping to get picked up on a permanant basis, because she needed the benefits. But every month there was some new excuse... Oh, we have to wait for CEO approval and he's out of the country, we have to wait until 3rd quarter numbers come in, blah blah blah. While all this was going on, their accountant, "Queen B" (you fill in the missing letters) went on vacation and they hired a temp to fill her position. The temp found a drawer full of uncashed checks, which she reported to my mom, which Mom reported to the VP (her and QB's direct supervisor). When QB got back from vacation, Mom got an earful about "going over her head". Mom could've been fired for failing to report the problem, but QB who CAUSED the problem, got a slap on the wrist. The real stinger? They didn't fire QB because "we need her to deal with the audit she caused", while they continued to string Mom along for over a year with more lame excuses, and then let her go, still without benefits.

Story #3: Mom had gotten her contract job at S#2 through a personnel agency she'd been with for a decade, but which kept getting her jobs like the one above. Yeah, this doesn't say a lot for Mom's common sense, but she was always big on loyalty and she considered them friends, even after the latest placement debacle. Finally, she ended up in the hospital with a heart condition and other factors, which forced her to take early retirement without any benefits. The people from the personnel agency, the ones she considered "friends" and for whom she had repeatedly taken one for the team, sent a card and that was it. No flowers, no phone call, and certainly no assistance. Really??

Anonymous said...

I work in HR and I am red-pill. Man oh man is it tough!

Aynsley said...

As long as you don't use my name -

I have been told that a resume I sent in to a company that a friend worked at was discarded because the HR drone couldn't pronounce my name. It's hearsay, but not unbelievable.

westcott said...

I had just banged a 19 year old college girl. Pretty impressive for a 41 year old former omega. Naturally, I had to brag to my friends at work. Unwisely, I used email.

The two fags in IT read the email and forwarded it to their friends. Eventually the email made it to the fat war pig running HR. She stormed into the CEO's office demanding I be fired. He and the head salesman explained minor email abuse was not a firing offense. After much argument she insisted on firing me herself. So they locked her in the CEO's office until she calmed down.

I learned all of this a few days later when the salesman and I had drinks.

This was about ten years ago. Since then I've been very careful with office email.

Phil Galt said...

My work group (about a dozen people) was pulled into a round-table meeting to discuss management styles and issues. This was set up by HR, who promised us that everything said in the room would stay here. That vow was broken before the meeting was over.
About thirty minutes into the meeting I was listening to one of our conference-call-commandoes brag about all the time she invested in late night meetings. At last I could take it no longer, and I went on the offensive:

Me: Do you like doing that?
Her: umm yes.
Me: Do you have any friends outside of work?
Her: Yes.
Me: Do you have a social life outside of work?
Her: YES! (said with a shriek, and immediately followed by her getting up and storming out of the room).

Realizing I had over-played my hand, I began to prepare my defense. Needless to say I was called before HR, and was asked to write up what happened. No problem. I recalled our conversation word-for-word, and made it clear if she wanted to subscribe to this bizarre form of suicide that was fine, but it was not reasonable to advertise it like it was required from the rest of us. I closed with how we were promised this was an open and honest forum, where we were supposed to be able to speak our minds freely.

That was pretty much the end of that.

And no changes in management style came from this meeting.

Anonymous said...

Sorry, late for the party.

About 25 years ago I was hired by a multinational corporation. I'd worked for one of their non-U.S. divisions before, earned many plaudits, promotions etc. A few years after that, I moved to the U.S. and was offered a job by the U.S. head office, in the same field at which I'd worked overseas. (I should point out thatI had more experience than almost everyone in the U.S. department.)

My recruitment involved a lot of work: flying me up for interviews, meeting with several people within the department, etc. It also involved relocation (temporary accommodation while I found somewhere to live, etc), because this was a fairly senior position with serious client-related responsibilities.

So I arrived at the new job, and during first-day orientation I was told I had to send a resume to HR, just as a matter of routine. (My interviews had been preceded by phone calls to my old boss in the overseas office, who'd praised me to the skies, and so I'd never actually needed a formal resume.) So I sent the resume to HR, as requested.

Two weeks later, I got a letter delivered to my house. In that letter, HR thanked me for my interest, and said that my talents and experience were not what the company needed at this time(!), but HR would keep my resume on file.

I was both panicked and furious. I showed the letter to my boss, who read it, promised to take care of the matter and remarked calmly, "Look on the bright side: at least they didn't send you the rejection letter in the internal mail system."

It goes without saying that nobody from HR was reprimanded or lost their job because of this, and I never got an apology from them either.

Anonymous said...

One job took away my desk because it was next to the wall that they "had to" knock out to expand the ladies' restroom to create a "lactation room" (this was when all I could get was a temp gig doing the work that the cows of the office were getting pregnant to take their paid sabbaticals for and were thus magically immune from firing -- in fact, they usually got promotions, because when they finally decided to start pretending to work again, they had so much accomplished!).

I eventually got fired from said gig because I "wasn't a team player" with a "bad attitude", because while I thought playing the entire team's parts for them was the ultimate expression thereof, I wasn't playing with the ducks. Seriously, they brought in one of those carnival booths where you pick up a plastic duck from a trough and win a prize based on what's written on the duck's belly, because the "team players" in the office considered plastic slinkies and gumballs as superfantabulous as I would have considered a paychecque.

Anonymous said...

The entire conceit of the "Job Fair":

HR reps get to spend the day out of the office.
The company gets PR from the dementia-suffering public who see the evening news anchor report that "120 'jobs'" were interviewing this afternoon.
And the poor suckers who go to 5 of these things and pass out 100 resumes get 1 call, from the rep who was stealing the resumes and using them to prospect for his MLM scheme.