Tuesday, October 01, 2013

Teaching Youth "Employerese"

Hi Kids!

Are you confused about the terminology and jargon being used by today's employers?

Wish you knew what all those really important, really smart gray haired people were saying?

If you just knew what those job postings were saying, you could probably get the job?

Well worry no more with this handy reference list!  Below are all the key words that professional business people use to make them sound smarter than they actually are to help keep the American corporate sector booming, bustling, and creating new work opportunities for you!

"HR" - An affirmative action program created by corporations to meet quotas and political pressure to hire more women.  It is now morphed into an arm of the Communist Party International where they impede and destroy the western economies' labor markets making sure people are hired based on the color of their skin, gender, and/or ethnicity and not by their character of ability to do the job.

"Probationary Period" - When you did something right that would help increase the profitability of the firm, but your boss either didn't authorize it or is so intimidated by it he needs to teach you a lesson.

"CSR" - A sign that the company has plain ran out of any good ideas and is now jumping on the green bandwagon to get you suckers to buy their product.  Also an affirmative action program used to high math-impaired masters candidates from liberal arts colleges, but only as long as they're related to the CEO.

"MBA Preferred"- Typically listed in the job description, this phrase tells you a mentally impaired otter is capable of doing the job, but HR is still going to insist on hiring idiots stupid enough to pay $70,000 to jump through a hoop and get an MBA in the OFF CHANCE it might lead to better job prospects.

"Ad Hoc Duties" - This is the catch all term that basically says, "yeah, we know we said your job would be X, but this clause allows us to force you to do the real work we hired you for and we don't want to do ourselves"

"Internship" - Formerly considered janitorial and secretarial work, this new euphemism attracts idealistic and hopeful students aiming to put to practice what they learned in school, only to give them a dose of reality, but with out pay!

"Diversity" - The new profit model that has replaced accounting.  Corporate goals are no longer measured by income and earnings, but rather diversity, facebook likes and carbon foot print.

"Training Program" - A mythical thing that never existed.  Why would they have a training program.  You have a masters degree.

"Hit the Ground Running" - A phrase used by many bosses too lazy to train you in, provide you leadership or guidance, let alone tell you what to do.

"Steep Learning Curve" - Another phrase used by many bosses too lazy to train you in, provide you leadership or guidance, let alone tell you what to do.

"United Way Donation" - Mandatory tax that your employer forces on you because if you don't donate then you will get overlooked for promotion.

"Promotion" - A practice of the past where younger, lower ranked employees could get "promoted" to a higher, better paying position.  The last promotion, however, was recorded back in January 27th, 1988 as too many old people have failed to save adequately for retirement and now need to work until 2078.

"Continuing Education"- Another way to replace work with jumping through hoops to ensure you never actually develop any skills and all your knowledge is theoretical.

"Synergies" - A phrase that developed in the 90's and they haven't shut up about it yet.  Pre 1995 it was called "efficiencies" but did not sound adequate enough.

"VPN/RDP/Telecommute" - Theoretical concepts being developed at the forefront of corporate America.  The idea is that some day, technology would obsolete the need to commute to an office building, not to mention the office building itself by allowing to let people work over "the internet."  Another 20 years will be needed to see if this is possible so suffering 2 hour commutes will continue to be necessary.

"Facebook Password" - The tell-tale way to see if your employer really cares about making a profit or snooping into your private life.

"Health Insurance Plan" - An insurance plan that at first looks like your employer is giving you a benefit, but when you realize you can get the same coverage for a lot cheaper on your own, you realize it is nothing but a scam to overcharge you for insurance while subsidizing the older employees' health plan.

"I'm Too Busy" - The most common excuse management and bosses will give you because they've failed to manage their time correctly and therefore can't lead the office, let alone you, no matter how important your question is.


Amy said...

Excellent Cap.

It's been almost four years since I worked as a teacher and seven years since I worked in a corporate environment. I thought I was crazy or cynical and just had a sour-grapes attitude about work, but every single one of the phrases you listed applied just as strongly ten-eleven years ago as today.

The frustration of endless training and never, ever getting anything tangible accomplished just twisted my mind up. There is cold comfort in knowing I'm not alone and/or crazy, at least in this aspect.

The anxiety! The depression! The inability to function due to my job. Sometimes a tiny part of me wishes I'd sued them for mental distress. In this PC environment they'd have to pay me.

jaericho said...

Roissy has the Feminist Catchphrase Translator. You have the Employer Catchphrase Translator.

Izanpo said...

Hit the ground running is my personal favorite. It's like that everywhere. Right from the start you're expected do the job as though you've been doing it every day of your life for the past 25 years.

It makes perfect sense in a craptastic way: Why should an employer invest anything in a disposable employee?

Like a G-6 said...

"It makes perfect sense in a craptastic way: Why should an employer invest anything in a disposable employee?"

Even more ironic: this will create inexperienced young workers who would be fast, leaving the old slow experienced workers.

Amethyst said...

You forgot "Competitive Wages" which means "We don't pay you shit."

Anonymous said...

"I'm on a call" =
"I'm too busy polishing a turd using instructions I gleaned from a video made by Mythbusters"

Victor Pride said...