Friday, June 21, 2013

I've Got "The Klout"

My buddy in Arizona was telling me she got "the gout."

I found that odd because I thought it was a disease old men got.

So I said, "I thought that was a disease that old men got."

And she said, "Yeah, so did I, but I guess anybody at any age can get it."

" what the hell is 'The Gout' anyway?"

She said something to do with an inflated toe or something.  It was so innocuous I forgot what it was.

But what was cool about having "the gout" was not only was it an old man's disease, it's a disease that is so hoity toity you have to put "the" in front of it.

Of course now I put "the" in front of any sickness I have to beget further pity and pampering from the women in my life.

"I've got The Cold."

"I've got The Fever."

"I've got The Indigestion."

But another thing I put "the" in front of is any of the myriad of new and faddish social media things.

"I do The Twitter."

"I'm on The Facebook."

"I never did The My Space."

So add to this lexicon "The Klout."

"Klout" is very simple.  It's a score of 1-100 that presumably measures the "clout" you have on the internet.  The higher, the better.  The algorithm they use to calculate the klout score could be complete BS, but I don't care.  My spidey senses tell me "Klout" actually has some staying power.

The reason why is simple - it's simple.

Score 1-100.  100 good, 1 bad.

None of this reverse, backwards ranking from Technorati with a score in the 4 digits. 

None of this "you ranked 345,000th" on Alexa in Guatemala.

1-100, good, bad.

Now, you may be saying, "Captain, why are you telling us about this?  Are you plugging it or do you somehow profit from plugging The Klout?"

No, but I am making a prediction.  The Klout, because of its simplicity will start to play a larger and larger role in this little interwebz online advertising portion of GDP you, me, and other bloggers/internet personality types progressively make more and more of our money on.  And it is because of this simplicity that it will moot and obsolete more complex rating systems.  It is also a valuable lesson about social media.  All it will take is one slightly clever innovation or tweak and media giants like Facebook could be rendered obsolete.


El Borak said...

Yeah, but the gout freaking hurts. And rules. I mean, at 47 I'm not really an old man, but I can tell you, on a scale of 1 to 100, the gout is 100. Grown-man-crying 100. You have no idea. I've had guys with back surgery and gout tell me they'd rather have another back surgery than another bout of gout. True story, bro.

Buy her a glass of red wine. Beer is no good, brandy is no good. They'll make her hurt. But wine is fine - no gout pain, and no whining about headaches. Gout sufferers point at headaches and horse-laugh. "Oh, you have a headache? Let me hit your temple with a ball peen."

Girls with gout are like girl drummers and girl pitchers - they rule. Grab one, because the alternative is bitchy, feminista, oppression-addicted termagants with stretch marks in all the wrong places and for all the wrong reasons.

Matt Forney said...

Is this why you sent me a Klout invite on Facebook a while back? I ignored it because I assumed it was another pointless, invasive app.

After reading this post though, I decided to sign up; I apparently have a Klout of 52. I'm still skeptical, but their methodology seems to make some sense, relying on social media profiles and search strings.

Technorati? Wow, I can't believe someone else remembers that piece of trash. I vaguely remember it being useful for discovering links back to your site... then circa November 2009, they completely screwed it up somehow and I stopped using it.

As for Alexa, the secret to getting use out of it is to own your own website, so you can verify ownership and unlock the advanced tools. Can't do that on a free Blogger/Wordpress site.

Amethyst said...

Be thankful at least that you don't have "The Clap."

wanderling said...

i thought i had gout last week. i think it's related to drinking. I must go on the dry july.

Anonymous said...

I've got The Drop-The-Obama-Family-Off-At-The-White-House.

BeijaFlor said...

I get gout, too, and it can be excruciating, but I still don't call it "THE Gout" because I don't see it as any fuckin' status-symbol.

A few years ago I got a decompression illness hit, "The Bends." It was almost as bad as a gout attack. When I described it so to the ER doc, he clapped me right into the chamber - he KNEW I meant it was BAD.

crabstampede said...

Add "The Starving" and "The Retardation" to that list. Daily afflictions of mine...

crabstampede said...

On that note, I'm going to go play my the bass.

Chris said...

Well, gout hurts, but is managable.

Klout score is over 30. I log on from twitter, FWIW.

And the area is moving... The only social network that really affects my work is ResearchGate, socially I spend more time on Google plus now, and have moved to Iperia from Flickr.

Terry Brock said...

You are right, Captain. Klout, or "The Klout" is being used now to determine who to hire. Hollywood directors and producers are now using a Klout Score to determine selection of actors for movie parts.

The perks are also interesting. American Airlines recently award a free day pass to anyone with a Klout Score of 55 or higher ---even if you aren't flying American that day.

Klout is becoming more and more a part of marketing for the reasons you cite. Very good post. Thank you for sharing it.

Terry Brock, Co-Author, "Klout Matters" due for publication in October, 2013.